I Wonder If This Will Kill Me - New work by Stasia Burrington
I Wonder If This Will Kill Me
New work by Stasia Burrington
Artist Reception - October 2nd, 2015 6 to 9pm
I was in a car accident two years ago. I keep thinking back to it, only seeing it a split second before it happened.
Disbelief. No fear, just surprise. I hit the breaks and closed my eyes and let it happen. Force. Noise. I thought, wow. I wonder if this will kill me...I did not see that coming...huh?
When I came to I was afraid to move. I wasn't sure if I would be able to. I couldn't see anything because the car was full of dust from the airbags. After a bit I moved my head first, slowly, side to side. I didn't feel pain, which freaked me out. I moved my fingers and toes. Disbelief again. I started to hurt once I got out of the car. Then more in the ER. And for a brief bit I couldn't read, or make words come out of my mouth in the correct order. I just wanted to go home. I broke my collarbone and got to experience the joy that is whiplash. “Whiplash” sounds so benign, right? I thought so. Sounds cute, even. Death's been on my mind. I've been dreaming about it, always thinking, “huh, I thought it would be more painful. This really isn't so bad.” But the crash didn't kill me; it wasn't even that serious. And it wasn't painless. Physical therapy hurt. My neck is still recovering. Sometimes, when I lay really still, mostly in the mornings when I'm still in bed and just barely awake, I can't feel it at all.
And I lay there, curled up, feeling what it's like to be in this body. I always liked sleeping in, but had never appreciated it this much. It occurs to me that there are emotional crashes, and those can also stick you with whiplash. I feel residual sadness, and like with my physical injury I don't do my exercises even though I should, cuz it hurts. So this art is my way of tugging at old wounds, stretching out and gnawing over old heartbreak and disappointment, using vague images of my body as the language. The materials are simple, and straightforward: one color of oil paint on bleak birch panels. I'm trying to create a portrait of longing, of a fleeting, anonymous stillness. I am remembering sadness.
For three of these paintings I used a model other than myself: the beautiful Justyn Rebecca, an incredible photographer currently based in New Zealand (Muse, Handful, Curl 2).